Welcome to my new ~weekly~ column, “CHANGED MY LIFE” which will feature a new life-changing product for each post. (PS I’m looking for guest writers for this column! Email me: firstname.lastname@example.org).
Let’s talk lashes, baby. I’m a shameless eyelash harlot. I identify as a “mascara lesbian” (not a “lipstick lesbian”) because I’m so committed to the art of the lash.
Because I happen to think nothing in the world looks more youthful, more feminine, more outrageously glamorous, more beautiful — than a thick, fluttery eyelash so long it tickles the brow-bone. Since I was twelve I’ve adhered globs and globs of the most intense mascara on the market unto my eyes (“Better Than Sex” by Two Faced is my holy grail to this day).
But I’ve never been satisfied with the level of lash drama I’ve garnered from mascara alone.
I’m an addict, you see. I always yearn for more, more, more.
So naturally, I tried eyelash extensions when they became all the rage about five years ago. I happily paid $300 to lay down on a massage table while a professional went to town on the (alleged) windows to my (twisted) soul. My eyes burned and stung from the harsh lash glue — but I kept my mouth slammed shut because I’m the kind of bitch who will suffer for beauty. (Pretty = Pain, don’t let them tell you otherwise). After about two painful hours of being poked and prodded, the lash technician was finally finished. (Side Note: Do not, do not, DO NOT take Adderall or Vyvanse before a visit to the lash lounge. It’s torture).
Truthfully, I loved the result. For I finally had the fluffy Bambi lashes I’ve always dreamt of! I had lashes for days, babe. I didn’t even care that the whites of my eyes had been rendered red from the chemicals in the glue. Who needs bright eyes when you have mega lashes?
I quickly became die-hard obsessed with eyelash extensions. Every two weeks I would lay down for an hour and get “fills” adhered to my lash line. I loved waking up in the morning feeling PRETTY even when hungover or deeply fatigued.
After six months I found myself wildly frustrated. I’m a busy Manhattanite, I didn’t have goddamn time for all of those godforsaken appointments. The maintenance was too much, even for me (and I’m a high maintenance JAP). Not only that — but after tip and all that jazz, I was spending about $300 a month on my eyelashes! Honey! I already have an addiction to keratin treatments that I refuse to kick. Plus I have $20 cocktails I must drink at overpriced New York bars. I have vacations I need to take (purr).
Alas, I knew in the deepest pit of my superficial heart that I couldn’t afford yet ANOTHER expense. So I decided to let the lashes fall out.
And holy shit did they fall out girl (and my confidence fell out with ’em). Not only did the fake lashes fall out, but my own lashes were shells of their former plush selves. They looked like spindly, anorexic-looking nubs! I felt hideous. Mascara on broken eyelashes makes you look like you’re in the throes of a psychotic episode. This simply would NOT do.
So thus began my research for a good eyelash serum.
I was skeptical at first. I tested out a few cheapo drug-store brands and then I went for the prescription brand and while they all sort of worked — I wasn’t satisfied. I longed for drama.
And then my life changed when I ordered Li Lash which had been recommended to me by a makeup artist. I swear to Lana Del Rey that within two weeks my lashes were back to normal.
Within four weeks my lashes were so curly they tickled my skin (which is a ~lovely~ feeling). Within eight weeks people were stopping me in the street to compliment me on my lashes (Meow!).
Within three months — everyone just assumed they were extensions.
It is the best beauty product, hands down, I have ever bought. And I have spent a small fortune on beauty products in my brief time on earth.
All you have to do is apply the serum on your lash line before bed. No follow up appointments, no boring hours laying down in a static room, no mega expense! And most of all, no damage to the lash. And one $90 bottle lasts about five-ish months depending on how heavy-handed you are.
But girl, in order for it to really work, you must apply it once a day. If you get wasted and pass out in your makeup apply the product to your lash-line the next day (wait for it to dry before putting on eyeliner or eyeshadow).
So if you’re an EYE BITCH like me (meaning you express everything through your eyes) it’s imperative that you get this serum. You will get away with anything and everything when you bat those naturally long lashes at the masses. The best part? When people ask if you “have extensions” you purr “No, darling. These are mine.” And they’ll seethe with jealousy. And sometimes it feels good to be the object of jealousy. Sometimes it’s just what the ole’ ego needs, you know?
Shop more of my favorite beauty products at my Amazon store!
Your Lesbian Big Sister
For the record: I am not being paid a dime to write this piece. I’m writing this because I think it’s girl/gay boi code to share beauty secrets. Karma will kick you in the teeth if you withhold beauty secrets.