Welcome to my new ~weekly~ column, “CHANGED MY LIFE” which will feature a new life-changing product for each post. (PS I’m looking for guest writers for this column! Email me: firstname.lastname@example.org).
I’m a bonafide shoe slut and I’ve been one since the day I came flying out of my mother’s womb, six weeks prior to my “due date.”
I was easily the first girl in my sixth-grade class at Bedford Middle School in the preppy town of Westport, Connecticut to rock heels. The shoes were Sketchers and they were bright blue suede sneakers with a giant platform. Some of the basic bitches teased me for daring to wear heels at such a young age — but I didn’t give a f*ck because I knew Sketchers were lit and lit-ness has always been my ultimate goal.
In high school I wore patent leather Mary-Janes that I purchased at the notorious store “Religious Sex” on St. Marks Place, back when St. Marks Place was still relatively punk rock (now it’s all bubble tea shops), every single day.
As an adult, my shoes have always been the first thing anyone ever notices about me (besides my lashes).
However, now that I’m old AF I must confess — comfort is goddamn important to me. Maybe if I lived in the suburbs and drove around in a Lexus or whatever, I would still be sporting stilettos in the daylight, but that’s simply not the case. I reside in Manhattan and in Manhattan, you need to dress to move. You can’t be stumbling around the cobblestone streets of the Meatpacking District (What? I’m trashy!) in Drag Queen shoes unless you’re an actual Drag Queen.
Plus, I’m always looking to ~burn~ a few extra champagne calories so I choose to walk over taxi and I can’t walk for miles on end with heavy, narrow, pointed, skinny-heeled boots strapped to my withering feet. That shit gives you spider veins.
I’m always on the lookout for sexy, chic, non-Republican looking shoes that are also comfortable. I’ve found a *few* in my lifetime but they’re always around $300 and sometimes I just can’t spend a whopping $300! Sometimes I desire the instant gratification of a reckless purchase I don’t have to save for.
But my mother always told me to never leave lobster on the bone, champagne in a glass and to never, ever buy cheap shoes. And like the loyal daughter I am, I’ve blindly followed her strict rhetoric.
I was hanging out with the GO Magazine team last week and we were all gabbing about how we need new espadrilles for summer.
“I can’t afford to buy new shoes!” I cried.
“Let’s look for affordable ones on Amazon!” Dayna chirped.
In all truthfulness, I was nervous (and a bit snobbish) to buy shoes from Amazon but I figured what the hell? My mother never has to find out. After a deep dive on the site, I found these bad boys.
I don’t wear red clothes…but I happen to think red shoes are seductive, glamorous and intimidating, don’t you? And I’m always striving to appear seductive, glamorous and intimidating, aren’t you?
The best part? They were $33. The worst part? I was convinced that due to their too-good-to-be-true price, they would be cheap shit.
The shoes arrived four days ago — and babe. They are easily the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever strapped to these over-worked feet.
They are as comfortable as fucking Birkenstocks, but look like as if they’re $250 summer shoes from Revolve! They are truly premium quality, beyond comfortable — and — flattering to the leg and most importantly, the foot. I feel like we don’t talk about how utterly important it is to wear a shoe that flatters the foot. Why does the foot get left out of the flattering equation? For the foot is the very base of the leg and the leg is the sexiest limb on the female body!
As a gal’ with a rather wide-set foot, I’m always looking for ways to slim out my foot. And these shoes make my feet actually look narrow. Is it sexist that I want my foot to look slimmer? Yes! I totally blame the patriarchy for my warped standards of beauty but whatever. I’m exhausted from endlessly fighting the good fight so let me enjoy my goddamn slimming shoes in peace, OK?
Also, they tie up the leg like a ballerina point shoe which makes me feel really happy and graceful which is a nice change as I’m actually depressed and clumsy. But hey. If you can’t be the part, dress the part.
Anywhoo — I plan on buying these babies in every single color (they come in a plethora!). They aren’t the wildest, show-piece kind of shoe I’ve owned but they’re simple and chic, yet bohemian and casual so you won’t feel like an asshole wearing them on a boat or to a pool party. Honestly, I’m sick of being that asshole who wears sky-high patent-leather shiny Jeffery Campbells heels on a boat (see picture below).
Shop them in my very expertly curated “summer boho shop” on AMAZON. Hand to heart this the most amazing purchase I’ve made in awhile. And espadrilles are very, very on trend this summer and life is too short to not follow simple summer trends. In these dark times, we must find joy in the little things!
And girl. If you happen to hate them? At least you only spent $33. That’s the price of a latte in Williamsburg.
For the record: I am not being paid a dime to write this piece. I’m writing this because I think it’s girl/gay boi code to share beauty secrets. Karma will kick you in the teeth if you withhold beauty/style secrets.